fantastic!

just a thought

perhaps i'll quit school and become a bohemian/hippie/daughter to mother earth.

oh how i miss the days when school meant recess and homework meant playing outside with your friends.

puh-hoe-nix

je t'aime, la blogotheque

this is your life

last night: switchfoot @ anaheim house of blues

their show was great. no opening act, they performed the whole 3 hours. they played with such ease and fluidity, you could tell that they were really banded together -- each playing their role in cohesion with the others.

one thing that really amazed me during this show was my new outlook on jon foreman. usually during shows i have this moment where i step back from everything going on and look at the performance not as a fan, but a blank slate observing and analyzing this group on stage. when i did this with bon iver and the swell season i got chills because i realized that they were singing their souls. they make themselves vulnerable to their audience by bearing everything they are through their songs. wilco and foo showed me how professional and intense they could be at the same time. they played with precision and conviction simultaneously.

jon foreman gave a completely different vibe. watching jf, i saw intention and conviction fully driving his music -- i could plainly see that this is his ministry. he doesn't bear his soul to the world, rather he offers his testimony and messages of grace, love, faithfulness. this was a refreshing experience in view of how much music affects our lives. music cuts deep into my soul, and jf gives my soul a spiritual cut full of self-evaluation.

sing it out, jf. sing out loud.

silence

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

- Samuel Beckett

words suspend silence. silence suspends speech...

i wonder what beckett would say about art?

my favorite time of the year

it's finally the holidays!!

i'm gonna get myself a reindeer instead of a christmas tree to hang all my ornaments this year

blowin' in the wind

it's that time again... the santa ana winds are gonna start blowing more often for the next several months.

at the tail end of last week there were gusts of winds sending leaves and branches all over the place in southern california. i stomped purposefully on the many crunchy leaves the covered the walkways of my apartment community and my school campus -- going out of my way to pounce on the ones that were large and looked especially crispy.

though the wind is crucial in providing the leisurely pastime of crushing crunchy leaves, the windy days of last week breathed in me a reaction other than excitement over fallen leaves. it reminded me of the archetypal symbol that wind plays in many movies and books: the symbol of change. as i thought about the different meanings of the wind and the change it brings (change of weather, mood, or even luck) i thought about all the changes that are occurring and are bound to happen in the coming year. i wonder where i'll be next year when the santa anas start blowing again...

i can't get no... satisfaction

emptiness.

it's a disease. feeling empty inside is like cancer -- it begins with something little like a strange feeling deep in your gut that you can't explain on a rainy day, or feeling lonely all of a sudden even though you're in a room full of your closest friends. then, like cancer, it grows inside of you until you feel its symptoms weighing down every part of you. you feel lonelier and lonelier and nothing seems to remedy it. no amount of escaping through television or movies, no amount of ice cream scoops or cheese, no, nothing could help you feel better. your life becomes a gaping hole of despair and vacancy and not a single soul on earth will ever understand what you're going through.

life.

one day you get up and you go about your life as usual. the alarm beeps, you think "three more minutes", but the leaf blowers are blowing right outside your window and you can't go back to sleep. you get up, brush your teeth, wash your face, put on your clothes, and go out to face the cruel, patronizing world that you live in. you go through your day, ignoring everything around you while you wallow in your own self-misery and despair. why can't the world cater to my emptiness? there must be more than this... then it hits you across the face like a hairy chimpanzee's hand slapping you silly: there is. there is more to this life than yourself and your failures. there's more than the failures of every selfish person that surrounds you and can't meet your needs. there's a way to be healed from your cancer -- chemotherapy that doesn't make your hair fall out! but there's a catch: your life. in order to live a life that is full, devoid of meaninglessness and teeming with purpose, you need to give up your life. you need to die. die to yourself, so that your Healer will live in and through you.

the price you must pay to live seems inordinate,

but the price paid for you to know life was paid in full... and a hundredfold

into Your hand i commit my spirit

autopilot

Everyday there are moments I'll come to my senses and realize that I don't remember anything that just happened within the past few minutes. Most often this happens when I'm driving somewhere that is familiar to me -- I'll suddenly wake up from a daydream or daze without even having realized that I was not in a daze!

During these moments, I'm on "autopilot mode". I do things as if I'm on autopilot and get places without even thinking about what I've done. It's terrible. Because of autopilot mode, I lose things, leave my phone in places I can't find it, get lost on the road, etc. What's worse is that what usually triggers autopilot mode is that I'm deep in thought about something (lists, things to remember to do, contemplations) and when I snap out of autopilot, I completely forget my train of thought. So I think that I've had conversations with people or told them certain ideas when I actually haven't!

Maybe I'm just crazy. Schizophrenia?

Re: Bon Iver

Of the many concerts I've been to, I noticed that there are just five categories that you can apply to your concert experiences:

1. good concert
2. good performer
3. tolerable concert
4. bad concert
5. bad performer

Of course you can mix and match certain characteristics. For instance, the last concert I saw (Wilco) was a mix of 2 and 3: good performer, tolerable concert -- making the overall concert experience just slightly above average.

Last night I saw Bon Iver perform at the Wiltern, and in the midst of it I realized that their performance was beyond my scale. They were great performers and that was a great concert.

I was happy from the getgo because there was seating -- something I came to appreciate once I realized that I'm not tall enough to watch concerts whilst standing. I got to the concert at the end of the opening act, Mega Fun (who were also very awesome), excited to hear Bon Iver live for the first time. I mean, could their three-part harmony and amazing, funky sounds be reproduced live just as well as on their recordings and youtube clips?

More than words.
The trio, plus a guy that switched back and forth from bass to drums, were amazing. Seeing them live had so much more soul and quality than hearing them on recordings. I was amazed at how Justin Vernon could sing so powerfully in such a quiet voice and crescendo into a strong, full voice within the same song. I constantly felt both the urge to smile and cry at the same time as each song ended because the songs were so beautiful.

My favorite song that they performed of the night was Skinny Love. They performed it with such conviction in their music, and that made it all the more moving.

Conviction can make even the ugly beautiful.

All lines are broken
And we need you to hold on
Your eyes have opened
But you've got to go on
I'll comfort you, I'll stay with you
It's a promise not forgotten

Now I hear you in my mind
There is a story you bring to life
And I will bow gently by your feet
But tread softly, you tread on my dreams

YELP! I need somebody...

click here to find me on yelp!

danke, grazie, thanks...

i've never considered myself to be one that isn't thankful -- but i realize more and more lately that i take things for granted so often and to such great lengths.

a couple people i regularly take for granted are my parents... i bite their heads off when they try to greet me in the mornings: blaming them for waking me up earlier than i had planned to. i complain when they ask me too many questions but get annoyed when they don't answer mine. basically, i'm the biggest brat when it comes to treating my parents with respect and love the way i should. and yet they provide everything for me, love me, and always try to raise me up to be a greater woman. i'm so undeserving.

but their love and sacrifice for me is a murky reflection of the perfect and unconditional love and sacrifice of God for me. the relationship i take the most advantage of is my relationship with God. and though i am a completely undeserving, sinful, and ungrateful human God still invites me to be His. this inexplicable mercy that God and my parents show me should give me enough to me thankful for during every second of my day for the rest of eternity.

... so what exactly am i waiting for?

even arch enemies like dwight and jim show their gratitude for one another -- even if it is in obscure and unconventional ways...

to everything there is a season

in time, every somebody becomes a nobody.

doesn't matter if you're the most famous actor of the century -- new actors will push past your glory and into the limelight

doesn't matter if you were a hero your whole life -- everyone you saved will eventually die

doesn't matter if you were the richest man alive -- money doesn't follow you past the grave

but the one thing that withstands time and space is the gospel and its compelling and irresistible message. Jesus receives and will receive all the glory for all of eternity, everyone he saved will never die, and through him we build up our riches in heaven.

thank God for the gospel -- or humanity (and this blog post) would be a hell of a depressing thing

sand in an hourglass

the past three years of college have flown by too quickly. i feel as though my life has been progressively getting faster and faster -- like when you push the fast-forward button on your dvd player multiple times and it jumps from 2x faster to 4x to 6x and so on. where did the past three years go? they slipped by as quickly as sand slips through the pinched gap in an hourglass.

so what now?

after you graduate, people stop asking you what you want to do with your life and begin to ask you what you are doing with it. no more concern over your future goals: every focus is on the here and now. what are you doing now, how much money are you making, how can i benefit from meeting you, etc., etc. doctor? lawyer? pharmacist? these professions can easily define a person. what about a free spirit? bohemian earth-protector? aspiring musician (instrument:

bassoon)? what of these things ... in the world's eyes: failure to grasp reality, failure to succeed.

the future. it's come too close for me to see clearly.

the lady of shalott

sleeping to dream...

i realized this morning why i love to sleep so much: dreaming. every morning i fight with myself and have to drag myself out of bed. maybe about half of the time i refuse to wake up because i am too tired to wake up. on those days, i easily lose the battle against my body and i go back to sleep without any second thoughts. however, the other half of the time i'm not fighting my body but i'm fighting against my mind. i want to remain in a dream world where i can fly over buildings, fight bad guys, eat with celebrities, or even scarier things like fight demons, battle strangers for my life, etc. but as much as dreaming is wonderful, life is much more rewarding. how can i glorify God if i'm stuck dreaming my life away -- i need to wake up and get out of bed to experience God's grace, love, and presence in my life. so wake up! grab your things and go abide in Him!

amazing grace, how sweet the sound

one of my favorite sites to visit is called The Big Picture. i go and look at the amazing photos on the site (mostly shots done by photojournalists) and am always amazed that so much beauty can be in one photograph. 

this week's photos were centered around Easter, 2009. here are some that i found amazing. 

baptism at Skid Row

beach baptism

women praying at a midnight service. raikia, india

I will not boast in anything,

no gifts, no power, no wisdom.

But I will boast in Jesus Christ,

His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer.

But this I know with all my heart,

His wounds have paid my ransom.

"Thou hast made us for thyself,

and our hearts are restless till they rest in thee."

Augustine, Confessions

's wonderful

i stumbled upon this artist named ian carpenter and i really like his paintings. here are some that i really liked. enjoy.

I once was lost, but now am found...

...was blind but now I see.

A sister from my church gave her testimony today. It was truly a testimony of God's amazing grace. 

That sister from my church was born and raised in a Buddhist home. She grew up meditating on emptiness and seeking emptiness as the key to salvation. For her, achieving emptiness through meditation would solve all her problems; it would absolve her from the filth of this world and, eventually, lead to heaven. One day she received a Bible from her Christian neighbor. She thought nothing of it and put it away to gather dust under her bed.

Soon after she received that Bible, she was sweeping her floor when she found a tract on the floor. She picked it up and began reading it out of curiosity and remembers one verse that stuck out to her after perusing the tract's contents: I am the way, the truth and the life. This struck her because she had always known meditating as the way to salvation, not a person like Jesus Christ.

Around that same time the sister was going through bouts of depression, although she did not realize it at the time. As an escape, she went to the theater and watched Forrest Gump. Of the film's characters she particularly warmed up to the character of Lieutenant Dan. She was intrigued and amazed at the relationship he had with God -- his conversations with God, his anger with God for his circumstances, and his eventual reconciliation and return to devotion to God.

She went home that day and looked at herself in the mirror. She had fallen into the habit of looking at herself in the mirror with self-hatred and had returned to the mirror that night. In that spot she decided to talk to that God for the first time. She read the tract for some guidance in her prayer and she began to pray. As she prayed, though she felt as if she could not be fixed in her brokenness and filth, she recalls that there was a heavy peace that fell upon her.

Around this point of the testimony I began to tear up and can't recall all of the details that followed. However, God remained faithful to her and began to cultivate His relationship with her from that day on.

It's amazing to see God's calling in action. There is nothing more humbling or more enrapturing than hearing that God works in our lives despite our actions, our will, our desires. God calls us to be His children according to His will and His desire and His timing -- and He calls us with His amazing grace.

amazing.

my heart longs for another with its every beat

to belong to, warm up to. to understand another

every day that i wake my soul flutters in search for its mate
examining every being it encounters in hopes to discover the one

yet as it wanders its course, my heart begins to doubt
perhaps there is no other that will satisfy my heart's desires
perhaps my soul searches into an abyss full of hearts designed for others

but warmth beyond understanding calms me
a voice echoes songs of peace and assurance against the walls of my heart
my soul calms and is steady at the sound of this voice, recognizing something long forgotten
he calls me again, back to his feet

he breathes in me new life
and bathes me in his fountain of righteousness

This I Believe

One NPR show that I listen to regularly is titled "This I Believe." One of the recent episodes highlights Tarak McLain, a seven year old from Austin, Texas who wrote a list of 100 things he believes in to celebrate his 100th day of kindergarten. The show highlighted 30, here are my favorites:

I believe life is good.

I believe God is in everything.

I believe we’re all equal.

I believe we can help people.

I believe everyone is weird in their own way.

I believe hate is a cause for love.

I believe brothers and sisters should be kind to each other.

I believe people should go outside more.

I believe in nature.

I believe God is in good and bad.

I believe love is everywhere.

I believe it's okay to die but not to kill.

I believe we can make peace.